Cablog

Top Bloke

An Aussie cab drivers association is proposing psychological assessments for cabbies. Let’s consider some basic psychological elements which may be covered in a future questionnaire for prospective cabbies...

1) Describe your temperament for driving taxis -

Umm, if its really hot like in summer Id open all the windows cause me mate tommo hisa cabbie reckons the air conditioner uses heaps gas n passengers never tips anyway so stuff em.

2) How do you rate your ability to drive a taxi -

I got me license and never stuffed up big time or anything like that cept that neg driving thingo but thats like years ago and anyway me mate bluey took the rap cause he was inside liken loaned me his license so no worries there eh !

3) What do you consider your main ambition in driving taxis ?

Aww, just to have an easy time eh. You know do some shifts, kick back with da boys n get on the piss. Plus Me missus gives me so much grief so I figure gettng me cabby license will get me outta the house anyway they cut off me dole bastads

4) How would you describe your moral standards ?

Well I shower twice day like sometimes 3 or 4 times when I score a top batch of goey

5) Finally, describe your personality or, how friends see your personality -

All me mates reckons Im a top Bloke eh and cab driving would be perfect for me eh !

Pure Parody

Last night was lousy, a veritable financial disaster. I’m tired and cranky so won’t go into the boring details, or lack thereof. Instead I’ll highlight the positive.

This came at the death around 2am, when I picked up three pretty-boys for DCM. This is a notorious nightclub on lower Oxford Street, in a quarter once disparagingly known amongst gays as ‘Beirut’. Namely due to patronage by guidos, 'roiders and road-ragers. How times have changed for last night DCM hosted the after-party to the annual DIVA Awards night, held earlier at Star City Casino.

On arrival we were greeted by the sight of two impossibly tall - what is it with trannies and platform stilletos - drag queens exiting from a taxi. One wore a micro mini skirt revealing a black G-string (resembling anal floss) dissecting waxed, lily-white, bum cheeks. Handing the change to the front-seat passenger I said, ‘Geez mate, you’re a thrill seeker...’. ‘Bullshit !’, he exclaimed, ‘I like my women real’. Whatever.

A regular gal hopped-in and filled me in on the gig. ‘It was a scream’, she laughed. ‘Along with the outrageous big heels and big hair those drag queens have a wonderful Aussie style humour. If they couldn’t be heard onstage they roundly abused the crowd, then returned to character - true divas’.

As it was the only work around I returned for another fare. Whilst waiting I was amused by all the exiting drag queens hobbling on ridiculous shoes, thereby rendering their deportment pure parody. Which seemed to be the desired effect.

Confirming this I observed one stunning blonde in a red satin ballgown split to the thigh, fall flat on her face in the doorway. Tripped-up by those ubiquitous stilettos. She got up laughing, lit a cigarette and proceeded to chat-up the doorman. What a trouper.

Charmers

Around 2 am this morning at Star City Casino a young woman in her early twenties boarded for Rushcutters Bay. She was escorted to the cab by a fella who was very solicitous, giving her money for the fare and insisting I get her home safely. ‘Been playing the tables ?’, I asked her. ‘No, I was upstairs in a beautiful hotel suite with some guys we met earlier tonight’.

It sounded like she’d been with a girlfriend who’d elected to stay the night. ‘You’re not staying with your friend ?’. 'Unfortunately no’, she said. ‘He’s really nice but he’s also married. Besides, I have to work today’. She then looked across and asked me, ‘Are you married ?’. ‘Nah, divorced’, I replied, ‘why ?’. ‘Well, this guy was flirting and super charming but at the end of the night he told me he’s married. I don’t understand why men do that’.

‘Mate, it could be any number of reasons’, I told her, ‘he’s insecure, unhappy, guilty, who knows. The best thing is he told you and didn’t totally deceive you. He probably should have done so earlier, was he wearing a ring ?’. ‘Nup’. ‘Well maybe he doesn’t wear one. When I was younger my work mates used to remove their wedding rings when going out for a drink'. ‘Well, maybe’, she said, ‘but it really pissed me off that he came onto me like that’.

The very next fare was a fella in his late twenties travelling from Elizabeth Bay to the inner city. After nominating the suburb he said, ‘I’ll tell you now so as not to scare you at my place - I need you to drive me down the back lane because I haven’t got any money. The missus left the key out the back so I’ll run in and get you some money’. ‘Fair enough’, I told him, 'what happened to your money ?’. ‘I blew it on the pokies. The missus will kill me if she finds out’.

He then revealed his wife had recently busted him having a fling with a younger woman. ‘It’s costing me fifteen grand’, he groaned. ‘Why ?’. ‘I promised to buy her new tits. But after losing tonight she might have to get them done in installments’, he laughed, ‘one at a time’. ‘Yeah, right’, I said, ‘how do you know she won’t walk after the job’s done ?’. ‘I don’t’, he admitted, ‘but if she does, then I’ll carve my initials in her tits so the next bloke knows who paid for them’. Another charmer.

Onya Mum

A fella climbed in the front seat last night and after giving his address asked, ‘Had a good night ?’. The usual opener from a friendly passenger. ‘For a Saturday, yeah’, I replied. ‘Usually it’s a circus but tonight everyone’s been fairly civilized...so far’. And so it was for the remainder of the shift.

In fact the highlight was a short fare early in the evening to Fox Studios, comprising a young couple entertaining an elderly mother. The fella sat up front and engaged me over the football being broadcast on the radio. The mother and young woman sat in the back and quietly chatted together.

Upon exiting the mother paused, to farewell me with, ‘Thanks for being so pleasant. That was very nice’. As I hadn’t spoken to her during the entire trip this unexpected and gracious compliment took me by surprise. It was so typical of elderly folk whose warmth and kindness can melt the toughest hearts...'onya Mum.

So, I take this opportunity to wish readers a cheerful and relaxing Sunday. And thanks for visiting Cablog, I really appreciate it.

Bitch-slap

A rare, perverse pleasure from reading blogs occurs when a journalist or blogger takes a ridiculous position on an issue. Then, rather than simply admit his/her error, proceeds to dig a deeper hole in their credibility. Hence the resultant bitch-slapping...

UPDATE : Cross with Red Cross

Hot Vlog

Running late today, nothing really to say anyway except check this bikini video blog...

Public Service

Early this morning I stopped for a young woman in the City. Aged in the mid to late twenties she was well dressed and smoking furiously as I approached. She was also drunk, though not that drunk she couldn’t hold a decent conversation.

‘Been working or socialising ?’, I asked. ‘Having a few drinks with some old workmates...friends’, she replied. ‘They’re down here for a conference’. ‘Where from..?’. ‘The North Coast’, she said. ‘Your company have offices in the bush ?’. ‘Yeah, we’re cops’.

She’d grown up in the country and had served in various towns on the North Coast. ‘Where’s the best place you’ve worked ?’, I asked. ‘Sydney’, she replied. This surprised me. ‘Sydney ? Wouldn’t you rather work up the Coast, near your home ?’. ‘Yeah, but the work’s too hard, it’s under-staffed’.

Whilst posted in one of the largest towns she was often the only overnight duty officer. ‘Usually call-outs involved domestic disputes, with slow back-up’, she explained. ‘At least in Sydney if you arrive at a job and it’s a bit dirty, you can always get back-up within minutes. In the country the back-up may be twenty minutes or more, so you get plenty of experience trying to handle dangerous situations until they arrive'.

‘Often I had to attend road accidents. The district was so big it could take twenty minutes of high-speed driving just to get there. And all the time you’re hoping the ambulance or rescue service arrives first cause there’s nothing like arriving on an accident scene to find bodies everywhere. One seven year old girl died after I tried to resuscitate her. Another time I was talking to a woman trapped in a car for ten minutes...then it caught fire. There was nothing I could do’. She related this in a matter-of-fact manner, totally dispassionate.

It was obvious that exposure to workplace trauma must have a huge personal impact. ‘With all the stuff you have to deal with, is that why cop's partners and friends are usually from the force ?’. ‘Exactly’, she said, ‘cops, firies, ambos all hang out together. It’s hard for outsiders to understand what goes on at work’.

A perfect reason for a cop blog.

Citizen Jack

I've been wondering if acquitted Melbourne cabbie, Jack 'Jihad' Thomas will now return to his former profession. Moreover, what harm can a (potential) terrorist do with a taxi ?

Holy Rugger

Carried a press photographer last night to the George Gregan tribute for becoming the most capped player in Test history. I was short-listed as MC for the gig, along with Wendall Sailor, regrettably an early scratching, and Warnie, now playing text in England. However as with the previous Mondays invitation to MC the Mark Steyn forum, once again I declined due to work obligations and my desire to keep the tax office onside.

Later I got to thinking about the Mark Steyn predictions, in relation to the game played in heaven and, last Sunday nights religion program on ABC radio. The talk-back host John Cleary had a couple of young Muslims on board to give a perspective on growing up Muslim in Australia and allay concerns over Islam.

After a light warm-up Cleary lobbed a hospital-pass, (I’ll paraphrase as the audio is not yet online),

I must ask you this because it’s an issue I’m sure many callers will be interested in - is sharia law compatible with a secular Australia...if so, how would it work here...?

The respondent jinked and swerved then countered with,

Well...it would be easier if you gave some (secular) examples and I’ll address them...

From memory, Cleary also showed some deft footwork and neatly dropped the reverse flick-pass by changing the subject. However I have some examples to offer,

1. will sharia law allow rugby to be played in Australia ?
2. will sharia law allow rugby players to benefit financially ?
3. will sharia law allow watching rugby on television ?
4. will sharia law allow sponsorship by Bundaberg Rum ?
5. will sharia law allow the team mascot, Bundy Bear ?
6. will sharia law allow crowd singing at rugby matches ?
7. will sharai law allow Waltzing Matilda to be sung at matches ?
8. will sharia law allow women’s beach volleyball to.....

Err, that’s enough for now, we’ll take one sport at a time...

UPDATE : Interview audio now available. The above exchange occurs around a third of the way in and is much more comprehensive than I've indicated.

Frightening

I picked up a fella last night, a professional racing driver in the Motorsport Series who had spent yesterday competing at Wakefield Park, Goulburn, NSW. I asked him, ‘How did you go, get a result ?’. ‘Yeah, we placed first in the Production Series and seventh in the Formula Ford'. I was impressed he used the plural pronoun ‘we’ rather than ‘I’, thereby acknowledging a team effort.

Unfortunately it was only a short fare and I didn’t clarify what sort of vehicles he raced, though Google indicates open-wheelers. However he did mention the team sponsorship  focuses on promoting a packaged brand involving corporate activities. These included private instruction in advanced driving skills.

Whilst writing a fare receipt I jokingly asked, ‘So, do you think cab drivers could benefit from some advanced driver training ?’. ‘Advanced ? How about basic’, he suggested. ‘Listen, I don’t drive on the roads, I only use taxis and there’s only one word for that experience - frightening’.

This from a high speed racing driver ! In which case I guess he only sits in the front of taxis because they have a passenger airbag. Smart man.