Hotshots

In 2004 some geniuses conducted research into the modern conundrum of disappearing teaspoons. ‘Genius’, as in the ability to swindle research money from gullible providers (taxpayers/investors), without actually solving the problem,

After five months, 56 (80%) of 70 teaspoons had disappeared. The half life of the teaspoons was 81 days (that is, half had disappeared permanently after that time) compared with 63 days in the pilot study. The type of tearoom in which spoons were initially placed did affect the rate of loss.

One such ‘genius’ was given a run by the Coodabeens last Sunday on ABC radio. On and on she rabbited with ever getting around to explaining why teaspoons disappear. I was laughing with a passenger how all that was required was some discreet research in the real world.

For example, café owners in Kings Cross long ago solved their teaspoon problem. It didn’t take Einstein to realise junkies were stealing the spoons to cook up heroin in the preparation process. The spoons stopped disappearing after fine holes were drilled into their ladles, holes small enough to leak liquid but still hold sugar.

Equally it wouldn’t require Einstein to explain why well-paid office jockeys were stealing teaspoons. My mail says they are used to crush the crystal out of cocaine to produce fine powder, thus rendering the substance safe to snort without stripping their nasal passages.

My passenger concurred with my unpaid, hotshot theory, then offered his own conundrum. As a university café operator he claimed to have no problem with stolen teaspoons. Rather, for some unknown reason he was forever replacing 'lost' forks.

All he could suggest was that customers preferred metal forks instead of plastic forks for their takeaway meals. I reasoned that that could partly explain some losses, but not account for the high numbers he constantly replaced.

Therefore, until I can conduct an exhaustive longitudinal passenger study on why forks disappear from a university café, maybe readers have a hotshot theory of their own. Feel free to make suggestions...

Comments

[Bill Steamshovel]

Its for cleaning cones when they get too blocked with resin from smoking pot.

[Simmo]

Yep, exactly why forks would go missing from a uni campus. i find those long metal cake testers to do a much better job though.

[Anthony]

Teaspoons go missing in the office because the person before you will always leave the teaspoon in such a state that you have to wash and dry it before use.

[Nat]

Adrian

Get over it. It's satire.

The study was a joke study from a medical research institute. There was no funding. It was in the British Medical Journals Christmas edition- an edition that is traditionally filled with satirical pieces of research or commentary.

The Kings cross story was interesting though. Thank you. The junkies must have been seriously pissed off the first time they tried to cook up with one of those drilled spoons though. However, I don't think there's much of a cocaine problem in most medical research institutes. We're not stockbrokers afterall.

My theory as to why forks go missing in University cafetarias is that the people you call over-paid office jockeys bring their leftovers from dinner the night before as lunch. Microwave them. And then need a fork...

[TC]

They're accidentally thrown into the garbage by the johnny-no-stars glassies on the floor and the dishpigs.

[rd]

i steal forks to eat my late-nite 2 min noodles and stuff .. its harder than u think to go out and buy just 1 fork

[LB]

I used to steal forks at uni cafeterias... I would take my leftovers uni budgeted pasta dinner from the night before and need to eat it somehow. I also used to steal knives and spoons and ash trays and wine glasses as my precious limited uni budget preferred booze. I figured I had to get my union fees worth somehow.

[Yoffi]

The students need the forks to jab themselves in class to stay awake.

Wow I'm lame.