Cablog

Cruel

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a cabbie killed in the workplace, my second such event in 16 months. Last years service for Youbert Hormozi was the result of manslaughter, or reckless indifference to a life. Yesterday’s funeral came after a cold-blooded murder...

Hungry

A business fella around thirty years old climbed aboard and proceeded to whinge about his dinner companions, four women and two men.

"I’ve been given a new team at work so I took them out to a fancy restaurant. After the menus arrived one woman announced, ‘The usual ?’. Well, the ‘usual’ was just a main meal; no entrees and no desserts. That’s the last time I take middle-aged women and gays to dinner - bloody weight watchers ! I’m going home to make pancakes."

Hotshots

In 2004 some geniuses conducted research into the modern conundrum of disappearing teaspoons. ‘Genius’, as in the ability to swindle research money from gullible providers (taxpayers/investors), without actually solving the problem,

After five months, 56 (80%) of 70 teaspoons had disappeared. The half life of the teaspoons was 81 days (that is, half had disappeared permanently after that time) compared with 63 days in the pilot study. The type of tearoom in which spoons were initially placed did affect the rate of loss.

One such ‘genius’ was given a run by the Coodabeens last Sunday on ABC radio. On and on she rabbited with ever getting around to explaining why teaspoons disappear. I was laughing with a passenger how all that was required was some discreet research in the real world.

For example, café owners in Kings Cross long ago solved their teaspoon problem. It didn’t take Einstein to realise junkies were stealing the spoons to cook up heroin in the preparation process. The spoons stopped disappearing after fine holes were drilled into their ladles, holes small enough to leak liquid but still hold sugar.

Equally it wouldn’t require Einstein to explain why well-paid office jockeys were stealing teaspoons. My mail says they are used to crush the crystal out of cocaine to produce fine powder, thus rendering the substance safe to snort without stripping their nasal passages.

My passenger concurred with my unpaid, hotshot theory, then offered his own conundrum. As a university café operator he claimed to have no problem with stolen teaspoons. Rather, for some unknown reason he was forever replacing 'lost' forks.

All he could suggest was that customers preferred metal forks instead of plastic forks for their takeaway meals. I reasoned that that could partly explain some losses, but not account for the high numbers he constantly replaced.

Therefore, until I can conduct an exhaustive longitudinal passenger study on why forks disappear from a university café, maybe readers have a hotshot theory of their own. Feel free to make suggestions...

Hot Air

The presenter of ABC's PM radio program last night seemed to suggest that hot air from air conditioners is another cause of global warming. After work I checked the transcript,

You only have to stand by the exhaust vent of a domestic air-conditioning unit on a hot day to grasp the idea that it might be contributing to global warming.

The people inside may be cool, but outside, the machine's pumping out hot air.

But many Australians may have consoled themselves with the idea that their air-conditioners are energy efficient and therefore more greenhouse friendly.

It would appear the passage is poorly written and pertains to energy consumption rather than hot air. In the meantime, how about some real global warming hilarity by Tim Blair in last Saturday's Terror (click to enlarge).

Gunners

For the last twenty years I’ve considered Guns N' Roses almost as important as my constantly disappearing socks. A view which remained unchallenged, until 1.30 this morning when my estimation of the Gunners instantly surpassed the socks, the undies, in fact, the whole damn wardrobe.

At that time my cab radio suddenly barked into life, after hours of silence on a dead Sunday night: CALLING ALL CABS; GUNNERS GOIN’ OFF AT HOMEBUSH BAY; ROCK ON OUT, DUDES, or something like that. "Yeeesss !", I yelled. "Gunners ROCK !"

On arrival at 1.50am they were still rocking, in what must have been the latest gig ever. What few cabs were still left working had a bonanza, thanks to Axle Rose being a total rock star by starting super late....

(Fans have been warned that, unlike other acts, Guns N' Roses does not officially take the stage until 11pm. But that's 11pm Axl time. In reality it's more like 11.30. And that's only if Rose has cranked up his private Lear jet in enough time to make it.)

...then finishing even later. Sydneysiders can imagine the joy of looking for a taxi at Homebush Bay after 2am on a Monday morning, in the middle of winter with constant rain. But no worries, Axle, cabbies love the Gunners; you rock !

Winners

Last night I took a rare Saturday night off work and attended the annual Sydney Swans/Collingwood footy match at Olympic Stadium. It was a chance to see how the passengers relax and also to catch the mighty Magpies.

Anyone who follows the AFL knows that Collingwood supporters are not only extremely passionate but the most caring, gracious and friendly people one could meet. So it was delightful to share their jubilation over crushing the hopeless Swans and their dodgy supporters.

At the end of the game my brother received a text message from a mate, a mad Swans fan. Her one-word message was unambiguous; ‘c...s’. After which a dejected Swans supporter farewelled a Magpies fan with a sneering suggestion involving a star Magpie’s mother. Choice.

A few weeks ago I collected a bloke from the Swans/Essendon fixture at the Sydney Cricket Ground. Upon inadvertently revealing that I followed the mighty Pies, he exploded, "How could you !? Have you ever been to Collingwood ? It’s full of drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, felons, welfare cheats...they’re all criminals!"

Of course I forgave his outrageous lies; as a long-suffering Melbourne supporter he was just being vindictive. Winners are grinners. (images enlarge)

UPDATE : Supporters clueless

UPDATE 2 : I’m ashamed to report that post-game, a nephew was involved in an unseemly altercation with a completely innocent and harmless Magpies supporter. As this nephew already had 'form', he will be severely counselled at the next family BBQ.

Waiting...

Early this morning a Star City casino staffer inquired about the missing cabbie in Eastwood. Unfortunately I couldn't relay any further information, other than the police report. Hopefully by the time I awake this afternoon he'll be found, safe and unharmed.

UPDATE : Sadly, it's bad news for the family of missing cabbie, Robert Woodger. Police have just charged a 22 yo university student with his murder. Woodger is still missing.

UPDATE 2 : More details emerge. As I'm not blogging for the next two days Comments on this post are closed to avoid the risk of any prejudicial comments about the accused. Haveaniceweekend.

UPDATE 3 : Saddest woman in Sydney. Comments now open.

Ripped

From July 1 Sydney Airport passengers exiting via taxis will pay $2.50 for the privilege, a 25% toll increase. Even accounting for the first toll rise since its 2004 inception, that's equivalent to an annual inflation rate of 8%.

The airport says the $2 fee has led to improvements for drivers, such as a larger taxi holding area, taxi rank supervisors, chilled water dispensers and a meeting room. Many of these improvements would have continuing costs for maintenance and staffing, Mr Samaras said.

The toll increase is,

...expected to swell the Macquarie-controlled airport's coffers an extra $1.5 million a year.

Yet,

Sydney Airport said the (daily taxi) figure was 8000. This would mean the airport would still make $7.3 million each year from the new surcharge. This does not include the $10.50 levied on coaches from July 1, $3 for hire cars and $3.50 for mini-buses.

Something doesn't add-up here..?

UPDATE : Cablog readers have identified the error regarding the reported $7.3m. Yet last night the SMH published comment from a union official who perpetuates the error,

He said the 50 cent increase would generate an additional $7.3 million a year for Sydney Airport, based on previous media reports.

Magic

A woman last night told me that ‘magic happens.’ This was delivered in such a matter of fact tone it really got me laughing, "Lady, no cabbie’s going to believe that. We’re the most cynical people in town." "Doesn’t matter," she replied. "You must believe in it for it to work. Magic happens to me all the time."

She didn’t present as a hippy or a new-ager, or even ‘a nutcase’, as she put it. Rather she was a middle-aged, beautifully dressed woman from exclusive Hunters Hill. I suggested she was a fan of the latest self-help hit, The Secret. "Not at all," she replied, "and neither do I have a Magic Happens bumper sticker." Fair enough, I thought.

"How about this ?" I offered. "After I drop you off, there’s bugger-all chance that I’ll get a return job to the City. Even if I did, I wouldn’t consider it 'magic', just sheer luck." This gave her the chance to chide me, "With that negative attitude you definitely won’t get a return fare." So I challenged her to provide an example of her own brand of magic.

Without hesitation she related, "Last week I made a decision to finally clear out my domestic clutter. Stuff I hadn’t used for years, mainly clothes. Sure, it hurt to let go of some favourite pieces but it felt really good sending them off to charity. The very next night my husband took me to dinner for my fiftieth birthday, and said, ‘Darling, I know you've always dreamed of going to Italy, so, I’m taking you there for a holiday.’ I put that down to related positivity, what I call ‘magic’."

Her account bore an spooky resemblance to an old friend’s experience. It was uncanny and I was intrigued enough to wonder if there was something special about our encounter, something beyond coincidence.

"Maybe you can explain something for me," I requested. "I’m owed a substantial sum of money. After ten years of assuming the debt would be honoured, one day, I now accept that that will most likely never happen." But Ms Positivity begged to differ.

"Well, once again, if you take that attitude, then you won’t be repaid. Only by telling yourself that you’ve already been repaid, will you get your money back." Huh ? "Visualise it," she said. "Write it down; ‘MY LOAN HAS ALREADY BEEN REPAID’, then place it in a prominent position at home to remind yourself every day, it can happen."

What the hell I thought; if magic works for her, then maybe some will rub off on me. Whilst she was paying the fare I promised to give it a try, then returned to the City with renewed positivity. Even though, of course, I never scored a return fare. Possibly, then, magic is a form of Lotto--you’ve gotta be in it to win it--yet hopefully with better odds.

Losing

Late last night a bloke flicked me two ten dollar notes, or so he thought. In the dim light (left) he had actually passed a tenner and a hundred. It was only when I hit the courtesy light that we realised the mistake, much to his relief.

Passing the wrong notes is a rare occurrence and happens to me approximately once a year in the cab. On two previous occasions I've failed to double-check and driven off. Once I received a fifty and a five, instead of two five dollar notes; another time two new twenty dollar notes were passed instead of one. Bonus, though I also have lost money.

Indeed, I once gave a service station panel operator two new fifty dollar notes, stuck together, instead of one fifty. Much later at the end of the shift, I realised the tally was fifty dollars short. Then I recalled that the operator had hesitated, before he shrugged and quickly 'tilled' the notes.

That's the price of tiredness; snooze, you lose.