Legend
Late last night a fella around forty years old hailed me on Campbell Parade, Bondi Beach. Having living on the Coast for many years, I straight away picked him as a local; surfer, tradesman, boozer, fighter, lover...in short; local ‘legend’.
After he climbed into the front seat and nominated a local address I asked, "How was your night ?" He took a deep breath and replied, "Mate, it was ugly. But that’s nothing compared to when I get home. I promised the missus I’d be back hours ago." "Just tell her the cab got a flat tyre," I suggested. "No way," he said, "I’d rather blame me mates - that’s what mates are for."
"So," I asked, "what was ugly about the night ?" He proceeded to tell me how he’d run into a mate’s wife in the bar. "It was unbelievable," he laughed. "She was hitting on me !" "Forget about it," I told him, "it’s only because you’re married. She probably figured you’re safe to flirt with." "Yeah, that’s right," he agreed. "If I was single she wouldn’t dare ‘n try that shit."
Then on leaving the bar he’d gone to the toilet. "This fuckwit in the brasco gave me shit and shoved me," he said. "I went down - it was only a slip, mind you - so I gets up and smashed three quick rights straight into his head. I left him on the floor of the brasco, bleeding profusely. Check this out.." he said, holding his hand up to the light, revealing freshly scraped and bleeding knuckles.
We pulled into his driveway with the meter at $8.50. "Seriously though," he continued, "I don’t know what I’m going to tell the missus." "Don’t worry about it," I said. "As soon as you walk in, take her in your arms and tell her, ‘Darling, I love coming home to you because I love you soooo much.’ "Yeeeaaaah !" he yelled, offering me a low-five. "Outstanding, mate ! Why didn’t I think of that." He flicked me $20 and hopped out. Legend.
Adrian the mobile marriage counsellor!
Maybe you need a sign to say that on the outside of the cab?
Posted by: Aurelius | July 16, 2007 at 12:16 PM
Brasco ? Never heard that before.
Posted by: Simon | July 16, 2007 at 01:26 PM
Oh "Dunny Brasco" ? Is that it ?
Posted by: Simon | July 16, 2007 at 01:28 PM
Are you joking? He assaults someone three times and he's a "legend"? Try violent thug.
Posted by: Will | July 16, 2007 at 03:54 PM
Sounds like a fairly typical night in most eastern suburbs pubs...
Posted by: Anthony | July 16, 2007 at 04:47 PM
"Are you joking? He assaults someone three times and he's a "legend"? Try violent thug."
He assaulted someone who thoroughly deserved it.
What's worse, the person who fights when provoked, or the person who thinks they have free license to make everyone's life a misery because the law prevents retaliation?
Posted by: Yobbo | July 16, 2007 at 06:22 PM
Adrian's right...coming home and putting on a goofy, lovey act is the only way to go. The worst you get is "you were so funny when you came home last night!"
Posted by: James | July 16, 2007 at 09:31 PM
As a woman and a wife, I can honestly call 'bullshit' on this one.
Sorry, but that dog isn't going to bark.
But we do get some laughs from the effort :)
Posted by: Terri | July 16, 2007 at 10:08 PM
I love reading your blog, it's brilliant.
I do have to agree with Terri, there is no way I would believe that line, however in my case it is usually me that comes home hours late so really I can't really comment.
Posted by: Sakura | July 16, 2007 at 10:13 PM
I wish I was a more interesting character for the cab drivers so they would have such fun stories to tell at the end of the night...
Posted by: Britt | July 17, 2007 at 04:17 AM
Aurelius, applied to a divorcee that's hilarious.
Simon, 'brasco' is indeed 'dunny', I believe it's an old Sydney term.
Will, as Yobbo remarked, the passenger was provoked. For the sake of brevity, I ommitted further qualification. "Because I'm only small," he'd explained, "I was always getting picked on as a kid. Until my old man taught me boxing."
As for the 'goofy, lovey act', I failed to inform the passenger that it's best chance of success is only if delivered with a straight face. Most likely though, Terri's right, 'that dog isn't going to bark' (classic).
Sakura, glad you like it, many thanks.
Britt, try getting smashed, then lie, shamelessly !
Posted by: adrian | July 17, 2007 at 07:07 AM
I'm still worried that people seem to think provocation is an excuse for assault. It's not - walk away!
Posted by: Will | July 17, 2007 at 11:00 AM
Seems he did, Will. But first he had to clear his way.
Posted by: Anthony | July 17, 2007 at 11:43 AM
Grow up Will. If you provoke someone, you are going to get a punch in the mouth and you deserve it.
It shouldn't be illegal either. Just because it is doesn't mean it's "wrong". The law isn't infallible, and Australia has hundreds of unjust laws.
Posted by: Yobbo | July 18, 2007 at 12:28 AM
will your so gay.
Posted by: reaL MAN | July 18, 2007 at 07:57 AM
will
you're weak
i'd piss all over you as you walk away
Posted by: xD | July 18, 2007 at 03:54 PM
Right. Great.
Yobbo - respectfully, I disagree that people deserve it. It's not the way our society should run, and not just because the law already forbids it.
Everyone else - I work in an emergency department. I see too many people come in with injuries caused by other people. Perceived insults and macho retaliation can lead to injuries that ruin lives. So good on you all for being "tough", but I don't think I'm the one that needs to grow up.
Posted by: Will | July 18, 2007 at 07:58 PM
Will, alcohol invariably provokes fight before flight. Though I understand your point from a first-aid perspective.
Posted by: adrian | July 19, 2007 at 08:23 AM
"Perceived insults and macho retaliation can lead to injuries that ruin lives."
So don't insult people. It's not a difficult concept.
"It's not the way our society should run"
It's the way human society has run for thousands of years.
Posted by: Yobbo | July 21, 2007 at 12:09 PM