Divorce

Late last night a bloke fell into the cab and announced with a certain satisfaction, “Driver, I’ve just had a rub 'n tug.” This was no surprise as cabbies have a well developed olfactory sense.

We can distinguish between gym sweat and sex sweat, identify hydroponic pot within seconds (and they reckon drug dogs are smart), or warn whether the passenger has tooth rot or gut cancer.

In this case it was the over-powering smell of cheap liquid soap found in brothels which betrayed my contented fare. Thus I responded, “Yeah, I know. It really stinks.”

This throwaway remark startled him. “Oh, shit, really? Is it that bad?” When I confirmed the worst he explained how he’d lashed out and hired two girls with a complimentary bottle of cheap champagne.

He continued, “But I used extra lotion in the shower to get rid of the massage oil so the missus wouldn’t pick it when I got in. But women know, straight away. What am I going to tell her?”

I advised that he slip quietly into the house and sleep in a spare room. “I can’t,” he groaned. “We’re visiting Sydney and staying at a friend’s house. They don’t have a spare room.”

As the same cheap soap is found in the toilets of gas stations, I suggested he could say he’d had an accident and that was the reason for the awful smell. “Yeah right,” he sneered, “For sure she’s going to believe that I had a full body wash in a servo dunny. Nup, I’m dead. This is divorce.”

I considered that short of offering a lame excuse there was always the truth. Either way it would not help him salvage their Christmas, if not the marriage. So I remained silent.

Some blokes can’t be helped.

Comments

[Stefano]

Hell hath no fury etc........springs to mind!

[Gerri Patrick]

Possibly an interesting gift to buy himself for Christmas? Can't imagine you can get giftcards.

[Mick]

I just learnt a new word.
Never heard of 'olfactory' before.

Oh yeah, and that guy is toast, or she'll just 'overlook' it.

[kingofnewyorkhacks]

Brilliant...The "olfactory" sense...indeed us cabbies do know those smells of good or evil. Bloke should have been smart enough to know better staying at a friends and all. Well , at least he had some cheap champagne !! HaHa !

[wainestreet]

aDRIAN,
I would like you to write one day on the mental skills a cab driver learns mentally.

I would say most cab drivers have developed mental toughness or resilience.
We at my govt workplace have just had a 2 day seminar on this and we about occupations that had to be resilient and mentally toyugh quick.
Would you say taxi drivers develop these skills mentally and can cope better

[crjc]

Brilliant. Thanks Adrian. Just what I needed. I'm ten minutes home from a twelve hour shift that started at 6 am. At 6:15 am I dented two taxis (mine and one other) backing out of the yard. It's been that kind of day. Crazy busy day. Pee in a bottle busy. The wads of cash and boot full of prezzies from regulars haven't cheered me up half as much as your blog.

I've been the back-up driver alone while the other back-up driver is away. If the regular driver is too busy I get called out. Any time day or night. The fatigue is getting to me. I'm starting to envy places that have more than one cab out at a time.

I know what you mean about the smells. I found this stuff called sodium dichloroacetate (DCA) which seems to work pretty well on some cancers. I get if from my mum -- she's a vet. There's a forum for it at thedcasite.com

[manly cabbie]

where do you work crjc soumds like the way it works in the south coast town i sometimes work 1 lead car and 1 back up car,i only do lead and i'm good to my back up i don't give to much work away keep it all to myself(the back up gets $100 whether they do a job or not in the shift).adrian its xmas eve could not get a shift in a manly cab but got one in a tcs from the base across the rd from the fire station i'm at,i'll be looking out for you.cheers and merry xmas

[crjc]

Crofton, Chemainus, and Ladysmith on Vancouver Island, British Columbia.

Lead driver called me out again four hours after that post. No calls. The boss has been trying to get everyone to stop the engine and just run the fan when its cold, then start the engine just long enough to warm it up. Lead driver fell asleep and woke up freezing his *** off with a dead battery. I gave him my car (told him to leave it running) and took the battery home to charge it. Put the battery in and found that his car has an exhaust leak into the heating system. Dunno how lead driver missed it -- the smell is overwhelming -- but explains his headaches.

The other backup is back. I stayed on overnight to give him sleep, now I'm off 'till Tuesday. It's only Xmas eve morning here now. Have a good shift lads. The tips should be good tonight!

Merry Christmas!

[damo]

fitness first shower. works every time.